10 Tips to Survive Christmas

In storybooks, Hallmark movies and theory, Christmas is a magical time.

Lights twinkle on Independence Avenue. Malls are done up in thematic red, gold and green and seasonal specials are geared towards a family gathering around a Christmas Day feast that may very well end in tears, break-up or blood.

Despite its cheery façade, Christmas can be as tense as a round of ‘Squid Game’. No less than a hive of family feuds, sensitivities and people teetering on the brink of yelling “Jou me se …!”, Christmas is really about survival.

So my gift to you this season is 10 tips to get out alive.

1. Don’t ask when the food will be ready – Only a man with a death wish walks into a kitchen full of women who’ve been peeling potatoes since dawn and asks when they can expect to stuff their face. Tread lightly, offer drinks, help or make yourself scarce.
2. Don’t talk about anyone’s weight – When it comes to your appraisal of other people’s bodies, ‘tis the season to hou jou bek. Though shutting up about other people’s weight loss or gain is all-year advice, Christmas is when you’re most likely to see the flames you were clearly looking for.
3. Don’t ask people when they’re getting married – Mjolo is a hectic thing and it doesn’t always end in marriage. To avoid having to deal with tears or worse, refrain from mentioning partners you haven’t seen in a while, questions about why people who have been dating for five years aren’t hitched and forget that person in your family member’s Instagram Story who is photographed solely as a knee, a hand or from the back.
4. Don’t ask people when they’re having kids – In terms of all-year etiquette, asking people when they’re having kids borders on barbarism. Understand that there are many reasons why people may not have had children, ranging from the struggle and heartbreak of infertility to the simple commitment to the soft life. Mind your business and sip your three for 50.
5. Leave your queer kin alone – If your default and tragic setting is homophobia, transphobia and general bigotry, understand that even God rested. The seventh day came and Sky Daddy himself needed to lie down. Emulate the Lord and saviour, eat your potato salad and give it a rest.
6. Don’t be that uncle – As a Christmas Day gift, just don’t be that uncle. You know the one. The grown ass man who makes a beeline for the pretty, often underage thing, licks his lips, holds their hand, between forefinger and thumb, and says something dumb like: “Hallo, my wife.” Even though he’s giving grandpa.
7. Don’t be that auntie – The hard truth is that age comes for us all and society evolves beyond what was considered acceptable back in the land before Christ. So if you’re an older woman, say a bona fide auntie born in the 1900s, and you don’t like how a younger person dresses, identifies, talks or declines to fix whoever a plate, put your high horse in the stable next to Jesus’ manger and live and let live.
8. Drink responsibly – When the saka is los and the bottles are popping, it’s easy to forget that your liver is not a paid actor. While the threat of hangover and humiliation can be enough to stop the Savannas, more serious is the potential to drink and drive and cause injury or death. Please enjoy today but drink like there’s actually a tomorrow.
9. Call a truce – If you’ve been feuding with a family member and you can’t really remember why, perhaps Christmas is the day to put your vague but insistent ire on the backburner. While there’s no push to fully reconcile if the sight of them makes your blood boil, maybe bless the atmosphere with some Christmas harmony by steering clear of them, letting your kids play together and not pulling an ocular muscle with incessant side-eyes.
10. Be grateful – Times have been tough and all evidence points to the possibility that they may get even tougher. This season, if the food is giving struggle and there aren’t any presents under the tree, count whatever blessings remain … most of all getting to see Christmas with your loved ones again.

– [email protected]; Martha Mukaiwa on Twitter and Instagram; marthamukaiwa.com