Seasonal Possession

December isn’t traditionally the time for tales of spiritual possession.

But, like Jesus in times of crisis, the festive season spirit has already taken the wheel. While symptoms may vary, the first sign of being seasonally possessed is often the overnight aversion to the food in your fridge.

Just last month, the phrase “there’s food at home” was practically the national slogan. But now, deep in the wilds of Dezemba, your tastebuds have enrolled in private school. And food prices that would have prompted a “Jissis!” in November are suddenly well within your delulu means.

As pap waits for its Januworry time to shine, the next sign of seasonal possession is the inability to stay home. For months you made the most of every cent paid in mortgage or in rent, camped out in your dwelling, lockdown style. However, with Dezemba in full swing, you’re allergic to your own address.

As the streets call and the food in your fridge asks “Lord, when?”, the next sign of seasonal possession has already begun and this is a good one.

Suddenly, despite all evidence to the contrary, you’ve become a nice person. While other months of the year may find you avoiding people you’ve known since you were a kid, the festive season spirit is quite the friendly little ghost and thus so are you.

People you can’t stand on your best day seem to have grown some previously unseen charm. Folks who owe you money should enjoy their Christmas and pay you back next year. And, bless their looting hearts, the thieves who robbed you at panga point also have a family to feed. So peace on earth and goodwill toward all men.

As for the fourth sign of seasonal possession, it’s the sheer compulsion to go to the shops. From January to November, the store, the mall and the corner café are generally sites of necessity. They are places in which you reluctantly pull out your wallet, wincing at the mobile number masquerading as the total due while praying for societal collapse.

In December, however, firmly in the seasonal spirit’s clutches, stores, malls and corner cafés shine an irresistible, incandescent light and many of us are moths to a flame that is actually one of those electric bug zappers. Depending on how thoroughly you’ve lost all sense, in December, you may even visit stores multiple times a day seeking gifts, décor, clothing, ice … so much ice!

The songs call this season “the most wonderful time of the year” and I tend to agree with them, despite Windhoek’s broiling, hell-sent heat. Because, as far as possession goes, one has to admit that the festive season spirit isn’t the worst of the bunch.

It beats that creature that has the little girl projectile vomiting in ‘The Exorcist’ (1973) and chances are nobody’s going to start praying in tongues as a matter of life or eternal damnation.

We eat better. We spend a little more money than we should. We’re often a tad nicer to people and we take up residence in stores. The eventual exorcism isn’t as brutal as in the cult classic film, but it’s inevitable and tends to take place around early January.

Your wallet has run dry. You suddenly have a taste for pap. The idea of staying home has never sounded better. Your general attitude towards people is something along the lines of “Tsek!”.

Balance has been somewhat restored and your seasonal possession is over until next year.

Speaking of which, that’s all she wrote, until next year. Happy holidays! Thanks for reading. It’s Friday the 13th, one of the spookiest days of the year. And my festive season spirit is breakdancing.

– [email protected]; Martha Mukaiwa on Twitter and Instagram; marthamukaiwa.com