Namibia has unveiled a unique weapon in the fight against poaching: horse guards.
Equipped with night vision goggles, automatic aiming and firing guns and powerful kicks, these equine wonders are poised to revolutionise anti-poaching efforts.
What you are used to are the horses at Okahandja Red Flag Day and the mad desert beasts of the south, but we are talking about a different breed.
Picture this: a gang of poachers lurking in the dark, thinking they’re outsmarting nature by illegally hunting endangered species. Suddenly, the thunderous gallop of the horse guards echoes through the night and poachers find themselves facing a high-tech, four-legged cavalry with an itchy trigger hoof.
It’s like something out of a bizarre sci-fi Western shot in the Namib dunes.
But before we explore the absurdity of this innovative approach deeper, let’s acknowledge that it’s a noble attempt to combat poaching and save taxpayer funds previously spent on vehicle patrols.
We don’t need those expensive Land Cruiser pickups now that we have galloping, gun-toting horses, right?
No, don’t get me wrong; I appreciate a good out-of-the-box idea. But there’s a difference between out-of-the-box and out-of-this-world ideas.
Equipping horses with GPS positioning technologies, LED spotlights and a jet-pack gives ‘horsepower’ a whole new meaning.
And let’s not forget the incredible multitasking skills these horses must possess. Not only do they need to aim and fire weapons, they also have to search, track and bite poachers where it hurts the most.
I’ve got questions for days. I mean, who’s going to give horse firearm safety lessons? Are there horse-sized bulletproof vests available?
Forget about the riders, will there be an ambulance ready to rescue these horses on the job? Will they receive benefits and counselling for post-traumatic stress disorder when they are discharged?
And then there’s the safety issue, which begs the question: will the horses get danger allowances? Will they receive fresh lucerne as reward when they come back to the shelter without scratches? Maybe a massage for every poacher they drag across the oshanas to the holding cells?
Poachers are notorious for being well-armed and trigger-happy. In a showdown between a horse with a gun and a poacher with a gun, my money is not on the Namibian horse. They’re fast, but not as fast as Neo in ‘The Matrix’.
Hold on, there’s more! The government has sent a team of negotiators for a memorandum of understanding with the park’s top predators – lions, leopards and hyenas.
The deal? Spare the horses and riders in exchange for protection from poachers. My fear is that lions, leopards and hyenas are not known for their diplomacy skills. Imagine being a negotiator in that meeting: “Now, Mr Lion, I understand you’re hungry but can we talk about this over some gazelle instead of our horse guards?”
I can already see a Nat Geo Wild documentary telling the story of the Namibian horse guards that saved the rhino. It will show them rising to the occasion and becoming the heroes we never knew we needed.
Other countries will buy and tame the desert horses of the south to boost their efforts in poaching. Namibia will receive another global award from some interesting organisation in Switzerland. Remember that I foretold this when it eventually happens.
In the end, we must applaud Namibia for its innovative spirit and commitment to wildlife preservation.
While the concept of horse guards might sound like something straight out of the Omumborombonga tree legend, it’s a testament to human creativity and determination.
Who knows, in the unpredictable realm of wildlife conservation, this quirky idea might just work. It is said that the world is a strange place and sometimes the craziest ideas turn out to be the most brilliant.
Ride on!
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